A 70 year old widow visited prison and was impressed with a 85 year old prisoner. When she got home later that day, the widow was a bit distressed. “What happened Mom?” the daughter inquired.
“I have to slap his face five times!”
“You mean, he got fresh!”
“No,” she quipped. “I thought he was dead!”
A prisoner was convinced to become religious based on a story by the chaplain. Accordingly, there was this Christian who was pursued by a big lion. He leapt, jumped and tried to elude the beast and finally, it was the end of the road. He was cornered and could not do anything. And so he turned his head upwards, faced the heaven and prayed “to make the lion Christian.”
Almost instantly, the lion dropped to its knees. And prayed, “Bless us Oh Lord in this thy food which I am about to receive….”
An impassioned chaplain decided to start his homily inside the prison chapel with a stirring reminder, “Everybody in this community will die!”
The minister however was surprised to see someone in front smiling broadly. “Why are you so amused?” he asked.
“I visited a friend here,” replied the man, “and I do not belong in this community.”
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a heavily tattooed man given a higher place than he had. “I don’t understand,“ he complained to St. Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
“Our policy is to reward results.” Explained St. Peter. “Now what happened, Reverend, whenever you gave a sermon?”
The religious admitted that some in the congregation fell asleep.
“Exactly,” said St. Peter. “And when people see this ex-convict, they not only froze, they prayed!”
A prison officer went to heaven and met God, who granted him one question. So the prison officer asked, “Will the Prison Modernization Bill be passed into a Law?”
“I have good news and bad news.” God replied. “The answer is yes, but not in my lifetime.”
A prisoner died of an accident while on his way to the prison chapel for baptism. He met St. Peter at the pearly gates. He asked if it was possible to be baptized in heaven. St. Peter said he would make some inquiries and would get back at him.
A year later, St. Peter found the prisoner and told him he would be baptized. “Can I also ask for a legal assistance so that my case will not be a bar for heavenly privileges?”
“Good grief!” St. Peter exclaimed. “It took me a whole year to find a preacher up here—and now you want me to find a lawyer!”