PURO JOKES NA LANG

secretary

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort at the Island Garden City of Samal in Davao.  The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife likes to read.  One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  Although not familiar with the gulf, the wife decides to take her husband’s boat out.  She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.  Along comes a coast guard in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Magandang Umaga Madam.  Ano po ang ginagawa ninyo?”

“Nagbabasa ng libro,” she replies, “hindi ba halata?”

“Nasa loob kayo ng lugar na kung saan bawal ang mangisda,” he informs her.

“Pasensiya na po pero hindi po ako nangingisda, nagbabasa lang ako.”

The officer gazed at the lady and said, “Totoo po, kaya lang nasa iyo lahat ng kasangkapan.  Sa tingin ko kaya nyong magsimula kagad kaya hinuhuli ko kayo at madala sa presinto.”

“Kapag ginawa ninyo sa akin yan, puede ko kayong ireklamo ng sexual assault!” says the woman.

“Ni hindi ko nga kayo nakakalabit pa?” says the officer.

“Totoo yun, pero nasa iyo ang lahat ng kasangkapan at sa tingin ko kaya nyong magsimula kagad!”

“O sige po madam, ingat sa byahe na lang po.” And he left.

MORALNEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS.  IT’S LIKELY SHE CAN ALSO THINK.

*****

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his Toyota Coaster when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.  Amazed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.  He asked one man, “Bakit kayo kumakain ng damo?”

“Wala po kaming pera para bumili ng pagkain,” the poor man replied.

“Bueno, sumama ka sa amin at dun kita pakakainin.” The lawyer said.

“Pero sir, may asawa po ako at dalawan anak na kasama din.”

“Isama mo rin sila.” The lawyer replied.  Turning to the other poor man he stated, “Sumama ka na rin.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “Pero sir, kasama ko asawa ko rin at anim na anak!”

“Isama mo na rin brod silang lahat.” The lawyer answered.

They all entered the brand new coaster.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, napakabait ninyo.  Maraming, maraming salamat os a pag imbita ninyo sa aming lahat.”

The lawyer replied, “Natutuwa nga ako.  Magugustuhan ninyo ang lugar ko, kasi mas matataas na damo dun!”

*****

Since her husband was imprisoned, their farm became barren.  But the wife decided to do something.  She wrote her husband who was serving time in Dapecol: “Mahal kong asawa, balak ko sanang gawing taniman ng pechay at iba pang gulay ang likurang bakuran natin.  Kailan kaya ang magandang panahon sa pagtatanim?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter:  “Mahal kong kabiyak, gawin mo na lahat, huwag mo lang gagalawin ang likurang bakuran natin.  Diyan ko binaon ang lahat ng pera.”

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife.  “Mahal kong asawa, hindi mo paniniwalaan ang nangyari.  May ilang mga tao na may dalang pala at piko and naghuhuhukay sa ating likurang bakuran,  bungkal-bungkal tuloy ngayon.”

The prisoner writes back:  “Mahal kong kabiyak, ngayon ang magandang panahon para magtanim ng gulay diyan.”

*****

Burqa is a head garment covering the entire head and face, usually donned by women in traditional middle eastern countries as native dress to accompany a loose black dress.  This was worn by a male tourist as he began to visit the streets of Malate, Manila for impression and novelty.  He intended to play pranks.

One evening as the toursit walks down the street, a punk jumps out of the bushes and hits him over the head, proceeds to kick him in the groin and and break his nose with a massive left hook.  As the toursit is lying bleeding on the floor, the guy looks down and says:  “Mukhang humina ka na sa katandaan, Batman!”

*****

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Nakamasid sa iyo si Hesus.”

“Sino yan?”  the robber whispered but no sound was heard.  So he kept going and heard it two more times.  He spotted a parrot.

“Ano pangalan mo?,”  the robber asked.

“Cocodora, “ said the parrot.

“Sinong sira ulo ang nagbigay sa iyo ng pangalang Cocodora, hehehe” said the robber, silently giggling, as he scooped a lot of precious figurines in the living room.

“Yung din nagbigay ng pangalang Hesus sa Doberman,” said the parrot.


 

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About vjtesoro

A perpetual student of Corrections

Posted on February 1, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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