HEAVENLY JOKES

heavenly jokes

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.

The first boy got in front of the class and said. “Ako ay si Ramon at  isang Muslim and ito naman po ang urdu (small carpet used in praying.)”

The second boy got in front of the class and said, “Ako po si  Buboy.  Ako ay Katoliko at ito naman po ang krus.”

The third boy got in front of the class and said, “Ako naman po si Lito, isang Born Again.  Ito naman po ang Donation Box.”

*****

A well worn out one hundred peso bill and a badly battered twenty-five cent arrived at the Central Bank minting plant to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned and melted, they struck up a conversation.

The one-hundred peso bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  “Masarap  din ang naging buhay ko.  Nakarating ako kung saan-saan, sa Malls, sa Beach Resorts, sa mga ibat-ibang tourist spots at kilalang restaurants sa Manila, Cebu at Davao!”

“Wow!” said 25 cent.  “Talagang napakasarap ng karanasan mo pala!”

“Ikaw naman brod,” says the hundred-peso bill, “saan ka naman nakarating sa buong buhay mo?”

25 cent replies, “Ah…ako naman ay naging matahimik ang buhay ko, kasi pa-ikot-ikot lang ako sa lahat ng simbahan sa buong pilipinas!”

*****

One balmy day in the Visayas, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts in a small and  uncharted island.

Upon arriving at the shore, they were met by a shipwreck survivor.  He said, “Hayyy salamat at dumating kayo!  Andito ako sa islang ito sa loob ng limang taon na!”

The captain replied., “Kung nag-iisa ka dito sa isla bakit meron ditong tatlong kubo?”

The survivor said, “Ah, eh, dun sa isa ako nakatira.  Dung sa isa naman ako nagsisimba.”

“Eh, yung isang kubo na yun at na nasusunog pa?” asked the captain.

“Yung ang dati kong simbahan!”

*****

Once I attended a church service and took note of what the parish priest intoned that day.  He proclaimed:  “Ang ating simbahan ay nalulungkot sa linggong ito matapos mabalitaan ang pagpanaw ng isa sa ating pinaka pipitagang kasamahan, si  KAHIT SINO.”

The religious leader continued, “Ang pagkamatay ni KAHIT ay nagbigay ng isang patlang na mahirap punuan.  Maraming taon siyang naglingkod sa atin at higit pa ang kanyang nagawa para sa lahat.  Siya ay naroon kapag may dapat tapusin, sa pagtuturo, sa mga pulong, lagi siyang binabanggit.  Kapag kinakailangan ang liderato siya ang palagiang sinasambit.  Siya ang tinitingala bilang inspirasyon sa lahat ng magandang kaganapan.”

“Hindi na natin maririnig ang palagiang samo ng bawat isa na, “Si KAHIT SINO ang may kaya niyan.” “KAHIT SINO ang makakatapos at makakagawa niyan.”

“Wala na si KAHIT SINO.  Wala na rin tayo maasahan pa.”

“Si KAHIT SINO ang lahat sa atin, ngunit siya ay wala na sa piling natin.”

“Kaya tandaan ninyo ito maigi mga kaibigan sa ating pamayanan, tayo na ang gaganap sa lahat na ng bagay at suliraning darating,  dahil wala na tayong ibang makukuha pa na katulad ng KAHIT SINO!”

*****

The new prison chaplain in a penal colony spent the first week making personal visits to each of the prison dormitories inviting them to come to his service.

The following Sunday the chapel was all but empty.  Accordingly, the priest placed a notice in the bulletin board stating that, because the chapel was dead, it was everyone’s duty to give it a decent burial.  The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, the entire prison population turned out for the “funeral.”  In front of the pulpit, they saw closed coffin, smothered in flowers.  After the religious leader delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects for their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a “dead church” all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin.  Each “mourner” peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, titled at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

*****

Three pastors in Bulacan were having lunch in a high end restaurant at Mall of Asia.

One said, “Alam ninyo, mag iisang taon na pero hindi ko mabugaw ang pagdagsa ng paniki sa kisame ng simbahan ko.  Ginawa ko na lahat—ingay, spray, pati pagdala ng pusa sa pugad nila—andun pa rin sila!”

Another said, “Hayyyy naku, Ganyan din sa amin.  Daan-daan ang nakatira na sa kampanaryo at sa gilid ng aming kumbento.  Pina-usukan ko na rin pero andun pa rin sila!”

The third said, “Ang ginawa ko naman ay ganito.  Bininyagan ko silang lahat at ginawa kong membro ng simbahan.  Mula noon hindi na sila bumalik!”

*****

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About vjtesoro

A perpetual student of Corrections

Posted on February 3, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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