RELIGIOUS JOKES

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Over in Muntinlupa City, at a Saturday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.

“Ako ay isang milyonaryo,”  he said, “at ito ay sa dahilan na ipinagkaloob sa akin ng Panginoon sa aking buhay.  Naalala ko pa ang isang pagpihit sa aking pananampalataya parang nangyari lang kahapon.”

“Kumita ako ng limang daang piso noon” continued the well dressed man, “ at nagtungo sa simbahan, sa ganitong pagpupulong isang gabi.  Isang misyonaryo noon ang nagku kwento ng kanyang mga gawain.  Meron akong limang daang piso na gusto kong ibigay ito o di kaya ay hayaan ko na lang ang pagkakataon.  Sa panahon na iyon ako ay dumesisyon na ang lahat ng pera ko ay ialay ko sa ating Panginoon.  Hindi ako nagkamali.  Alam ko na biniyayaan ako sa naging desisyon ko kaya naman ako ay lalo pang yumaman at nagtagumpay ngayon.”

As he finished, it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man’s story.  But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him:  “Ang galing naman ng nangyari sa iyo.  Puede ba gawin mo ulit ngayon yun?”

The man fainted.

*****

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.  Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.  He thought to himself, “Hayyy naku, talagang may diperensiya sa isip ang kapitbahay ko, laging dasal ng dasal, hindi niya alam na wala namang Itaas!”

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying, “Manang, bakit ka laging nagdarasal.  Hindi mo ba alam na walang Diyos?”  But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries.  As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He intends to do.

As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. “Hmmph…Pa-andaran ko nga ito, hehehe.”

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.  When opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere!

The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, “Ay, hehehe ikaw talaga Manang, hindi Diyos ang bumili niyan, hahaha!  Ako ang bumili niyan, hahaha!”

She broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.  When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was.

She said, “Alam ko na ang Panginoon ang magkakaloob sa akin ng mga pangangailangan ko, pero ang hindi ko alam na ang demonyo ang magbabayad nun!”

*****

The world shrank because of electronic advancements such as the internet and a lot of high end gadgets.  But there is also a down side.  Listen to this.

A couple decided to spend a vacation in Bohol but the wife was to complete something for her kids, so the husband went to the destinatation first.  The wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when sending, he erred .  He mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly pastor’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in  a dead faint.

Hearing her, the family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

“Mahal kong asawa,

Nauna na ako dito.  Pero nai-handa ko na naman lahat pag dating mo dito bukas.

P.S.  Mainit pala dito.”

*****

Three women died and went up to heaven.  A fat and bearded old guy wrapped in white blanket at the Pearly Gates said:  “Kung maayos kayo sa inyong mga asawa, maganda din ang kotse ninyo dito sa langit.”

The first gal was very loyal to her husband and got a Ferrari.  The second fought with her husband almost everyday so she got a second hand old model and faded car.  The last lady fooled her husband regularly, so she got a scooter.

One day the lady on the scooter saw the dame in the Ferrari crying.  She asked her, “Bakit ka naman umi-iyak Sis?”

She answered.,” Nakasalubong ko kasi kanina asawa ko na naka-kariton!”

*****

A drunkard stammered out of a karaoke bar and ran into two priests.  He ran up to them and says, “Ako ang Panginoon!”  The priests laughed and replied, “Anak, hindi totoo yan.”

The drunk said, “Tingnan ninyo at mapapatunayan ko yan!”  He walked back into the bar with the priests.  The bartender looked at the drunk and exclaimed, “Panginoon ko!  Andito ka na naman?!!!”

*****

A spritely 80 year old pastor walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check up.

The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Pastor, kamusta ka na?”

“Oks na oks doc,” says the old man and proudly proclaimed,  “Meron nga akong batang-bata na asawa at siya ay nagdadalang tao na sa una naming anak!”

The doctor gives a concerned look and says to his client, “Pastor, may kwento ako sa iyo.  May kaibigan akong hunter na lumakad ng maaga para makapanghuli ng hayop sa gubat.  Sa pagmamadali nga lang niya ang nadala niya ay payong sa halip na riple.  Habang nasa kagubatan, nakita niya isang mabangis na leon!  Ito ay inasinta niya sa kanyang payong at pinaputukan ito.  Bang!  Ang leon ay bumagsak, patay.”

Ha??!!!!”  cries the old man, “Teka!  Imposible naman yan!  Meron sigurong iba na nakabaril sa leon!”

“Tama ka riyan, “ says the doctor.

*****

An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was talking about the healing powers of God.

 “Sa inyong mga nanonood at may mga kapansanan, ilagay ninyo sa screen ng tv ang inyong mga kamay at kayo ay gagaling!” the preacher exclaimed.

The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the monitor.

The old man placed his hand on the TV also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.

His wife looks over at him, notices what her husband does, complains, “Pedring, ang sabi ng preacher ay mapapaling ang kapansanan, hindi niya sinabing  bubuhayin ang patay na!”

*****

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About vjtesoro

A perpetual student of Corrections

Posted on February 4, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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