Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the mental hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will have to detain them a number of years more. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congrats! Malaya ka na. Pero bakit ka nga pala hindi tumalon?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Kasi po doc, hindi ako marunong lumangoy!”
A Filipino walks into a restaurant in New York late one afternoon and he sees the famous movie director, Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Filipino people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here!”
The astonished Filipino replied, “It was not the Filipinos who bombed Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese.”
“Filipino, Japanese, Taiwanese, Malaysian , you are all the same!” Replied Spielberg.
In return, the Filipino gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my great grandfather was on that ship!”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me!”
The Filipino replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same!”
One evening, Totoy was drinking in a karaoke bar when the bartender came over to tell him that he somebody was looking for him outside. Totoy had just bought another beer and he didn’t want anyone else to drink it. So he wrote a little sign and tagged in his beer that read: “Dinuraan ko ito!”
When Totoy returned to his table, there was another note beside his beer saying: “Dinuraan ko din ito!”
Visiting Sulu for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the MILF and MNLF engaged in warfare, wives used to walk ten paces behind their husbands are now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
“Hindi,” the man replied. “Madami kasing land mines dito!”
There is a town in Southern Luzon where factories only hire married men. A representative of a women’s organization was angry with this and demanded to speak to the manager to know why.
She asked, “Bakit naman ang kinukuha ninyong empleyado ay yung kasal na lalaki lang?!! Ano tingin ninyo sa babae, mahina?! Hindi nakaka-intindi, o ano?!!”
“Hindi naman po,” the manager replied. “Kasi naman po ang lahat dito ay sanay sumunod sa lahat ng kautusan, sanay na tinutulak-tulak, tikum ang bibig at hindi nakasimangot miski ko minumura sila.”
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its blinkers on in his rear view mirror.
He thinks he can outrun the police so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway but his car is no match. He pulls over to the curb.
The police gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, “Brod, nakakatamad ang araw na ito at parang gusto ko na umuwi. Bigyan mo ako ng magandang katwiran na lang at palalagpasin na kita.”
The man thought for a moment and said, “Tatlong linggo ang nakakaraan, ang asawa ko ay tinanan ng isang pulis. Nang makita ko ang patrol car ninyo sa likuran ko, kumaripas na ako, naisip ko kasi na ikaw na yun, na gusto mo ng isoli ang misis ko!”
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient A sitting on the floor pretending to read a book.
Patient B was hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked the reading patient what Patient B was doing.
Patient A replied, “Hehehe kaibigan ko po yan, kaya lang may diperensiya. Hehehe, ang tingin niya sa sarili niya kasi ay bumbilya!”
The doctor asks, “Eh, kung kaibigan mo siya, dapat pagsabihan mo na bumaba na lang baka siya madisgrasya pa.”
Patient A replies, “Ano? Paano ako makapagbasa kung madilim!”