Sometimes it’s Funny

funny 2

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess.  She looked at the photos and commented, “Ang gaganda ng kuha! Siguro mamahalin ang iyong camera!” 

He didn’t make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home, he said, “Ang sarap ng hinanda ninyong pagkain.  Siguro mamahalin ang mga kaldero ninyo!”

*****

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.  The first surgeon says, “Ang gusto kong operahan ay mga electrician kasi kapag binuksan mo sila ang laman loob color coded.”

The second responds, “Sa tingin ko ang mga clerks and pinaka maayos operahan kasi lahat ng naso loob ng katawan nila nasa alphabetical order!”

The third surgeon shut them all up when he observed, “Lahat kayo mali. Ang pinakamadaling operahan ay ang mga pulitiko: wala silang laman-loob, walang puso, walang buto at ang ulo at pwet nila puedeng pag palitin!”

*****

A Caloocan bandit made a specialty of crossing Makati from time to time and robbing banks.  Finally, a reward was offered for his capture.

An enterprising police officer decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite karaoke bar, snuck up behind him, put his trusty gun to the bandit’s head and said, “Huli ka sa wakas!  Inaaresto kita!  Sabihin mo na kung saan mo itinago ang mga perang ninakaw mo o pasasabugin ko ulo mo!”

But the bandit didn’t speak Pilipino and the policeman could not speak in Bisayan dialect.  Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the area and translated the police’s message.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Bisayan, that the loot was buried under the pot of decorative plant beside the door of the karaoke bar.

“Ano sabi niya?” asked the police.

The lawyer answered, “Sabi niya, ulol ka daw!  At hindi mo naman daw siyang  kayang barilin!”

*****

A young woman was jogging when she saw a wizened old man, smiling at her from his bench.

“Mukhang masaya ho kayo!” She said to him.  “Ano po ang sikreto na isang mahaba at kuntentong buhay na katulad ninyo?”

“Nakakatatlong kahang sigarilyo ako sa isang araw at nakaka apat na kahong lapad ako kada lingo.  Bukod diyan wala akong exercise at puro taba pa kinakain ko!”

“Nakakagulat po naman,” the woman said.  “Ano na po ba ang edad ninyo na?”

He answered, “trenta.”

****

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment—shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.—he placed the boy in the chair.  “Magsigarilyo lang muna ako sa labas anak,” he said.  “Balik din ako kaagad.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Mukhang nakalimutan ka na ng tatay mo, hehehe.”

“Hindi yun tatay ko!” said the boy.  “Nilapitan lang ako diyan sa labas at hinawakan ang kamay ko at sinabi, na punta kami dito at ililibre ako sa gupit!”

*****

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his entire body.  The cast fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

He was still wearing the cast under his shirt when he was assigned to handle the toughest and unmanageable students in school.  As he walked through into the rowdy and noisy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.  The whole class was already ogling and teasing their awkward looking teacher.

When a strong gust of wind made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day on!

*****

A man named Gardo comes out of an exclusive subdivision on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders.  The guard stops him and asks, “Ano yang nasa sako?”

“Buhangin po,” answers Gardo, to which the guard replies, “Patingin nga..”

The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand.  He detains Gardo overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand.  Finally, the guard releases Gardo, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders and lets him cross the boundary.

The next day, the same thing happens. Juan approaches on his bicycle with two bags of sand.  The same procedure is conducted

The sequence is repeated every day for several months until one day as the guard is sitting in a nearby carinderia , Gardo walks in.

“Bata, halika nga.” Says the guard to Gardo.  “Alam ko may pinupuslit ka eh, pero nakakasira ng ulo na.  Yan ang ini-isip ko palagi.  Hindi nga ako makatulog na.  Pero heto atin-atin na lang, ano talaga yung pinupuslit mo?”

Gardo sips his drink and says, “bisikleta.”

*****

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About vjtesoro

A perpetual student of Corrections

Posted on February 8, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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