THIS MADE ME SMILE SOME MORE

smile again

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter explains that it’s not easy to get into heaven.

“Pero nahirapan ako kung ikaw ay karapat dapat dito sa Kalangitan, kasi hindi ka nagsisimba.  Hindi ka rin nagbibigay sa mga mahihirap.  Wala ka rin tulong na binibigay sa iyong kapitbahay. ” says St. Peter.

St. Peter was becoming concerned.  Exasperated, the Saint says, “Tingnan mo, lahat dito ay may nagawang kabutihan.  Mag isip ka din.”

The man thinks for a minute, then says, “Alam po ninyo, may natulungan pala akong matandang babae kanina lang.  Palabas po ako sa tindahan nang isang dosenang malalaking katawan at armadong kalalakihan ang umagaw sa pitaka ng matanda at pinag-tutulakan pa ito.  Binaba ko yung gamit ko, hinablot ko yung pitaka sa mga barumbandong tao at pinagsabihan na sila ay mga duwag.  Tapos dinuraan ko pa mga mukha nila.”

“Okey ah!”  said St. Peter, “Nakakabilib! Tapos anong nangyari?”

“Heto po, napunta na ako dito,” replied the man.

*****

“Tatay,” a little girl asked her father, “lahat po ba ng mga kwentong bugtong nasisimula sa “Nung unang panahon…”?”

“Hindi anak,”  he answered.  “Kalimitan nagsisimula sa “Kung ako ay mahalal..”

*****

A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon.  He could choose either the Architect’s brain which would cost him P 5,000.00 or the Politician’s which was P500,000.00.

“Ibig ninyong sabihin Doc ang utak ng pulitiko ay mas mahusay kaysa sa utak ng arkitekto!”  exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

“Hindi naman sa ganun” replied the surgeon, “ ang utak ng pulitiko kasi hindi nagagamit.”

*****

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.  As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Huminto ka—Acts 2:38!”  That means “turn from your sin.”

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.  The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Teka bakit ka bigla natulala?  Ang ginawa lang nung matanda ay banggitin ang talata sa banal na kasulatan!”

“Talata?!!”  replied the burglar, “ang sabi niya meron daw siyang axe at dalawang 38s!”

*****

God looks over the millions of people and says, ‘TULOY KAYO SA KALANGITAN!  ANG MGA BABAE AY SUMAMA KAY SAN PEDRO AT ANG MGA LALAKI NAMAN AY GUMAWA NG DALAWANG LINYA.  YUNG ISANG LINYA AY PARA SA MGA LALAKI NA NAG DOMINA SA BABAE, AT YUNG ISANG LINYA NAMAN AY YUNG NADOMINA NG BABAE.”

There’s much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines.  The line of the men that were dominated is 200 kilometers long.  The line of men that dominated women has only one man.

God gets angry and says, “MAHIYA NGA KAYO SA INYONG MGA SARILI.  KAYO AY GINAWA KO AYON SA AKING IMAHE TAPOS NADOMINA PA KAYO NG INYONG ASAWA.  ISA LANG SA AKING MGA ANAK ANG PUEDE KONG IPAGMALAKI!  PAKINGGAN NINYO SIYA!”

He turns to the man and says, “ANAK, IBAHAGI MO NGA SA KANILA KUNG PAANO MO GINAWA AT IKAW AY MAG-ISA LANG DIYAN SA LINYA?”

The man says, “Hindi ko po alam Panginoon, sinunod ko lang sabi asawa ko na dito ako sa linyang ito pumila.”

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About vjtesoro

A perpetual student of Corrections

Posted on February 12, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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