SPIRITUAL JOKES

liquor

When a Catholic falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, “May nagawa akong masama siguro kaya sinapit ko yun.”

When a Moslem falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, “Karanasan ito, ano ba ang matutunan ko sa nangyari?”

When an Aglipayan falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, “Hindi maiwasan.  Mabuti hindi ako napilay.”

When a born-again falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, “Sino sa inyo na nasa likuran ko ang tumulak?!”

*****

It was about a month ago when a man from Compostela Valley felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest:

“Padre, patawarin na sana ako dahil nagkasala ako.  Noong Matial Law may itinago akong tao sa aming kisame.”

“Bueno,” answered the priest, “hindi yan kasalanan.”

“Pero pinagbabayad ko siya buwan-buwan sa kada buwan ng pagtatago niya.  Marami siyang pera at alahas na dala kasi.”

“Sabagay, hindi nga maganda yan, pero ginawa mo naman yun dahil gusto mo siyang iligtas.”

“Salamat po Padre, gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.  Isa na lang po na katanungan.”

“Ano yun anak?”

“Sabihan ko po ba siya na tapos na ang Martial Law?”

*****

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday Mass, finding it long and boring.  Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The preacher has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted.  At the end of the sermon, the priest decides to make an example of him.

He exclaimed to his congregation, “Ang lahat na may gustong pumunta sa Kalangitan ay tumayo nga lang!”

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.  Thereafter,  they all sat down.

Then the priest says even more loudly, “Yun naman gusto sa impierno, tumayo nga!”

The weary man catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing among the faithful.

Confused and embarrassed he says, “Hindi ko po alam kung ano ang binoboto natin dito Padre, pero sa tingin ko tayong dalawa lang ang nakatayo dito!”

****

The Pastor just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 30 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

“Yung unang lingo, masakit ang gilagid ko kaya mahirap magsalita.  Yung ikalawang linggo naman, masakit ang pustiso ko,” the Pastor explained.

“Pero,” the Pastor continued, “nung ikatlong linggo na, nagkamali ako ng dampot, yung pustiso ng asawa ko naisuot ko, kaya ayun, halos hindi na ako mahinto sa pagsasalita!”

*****

An aging priest was dying.  He sent a message for his accountant and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.  As they entered the room, the religious man held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The dying preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.  For a time, no one said anything.

Both the accountant and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the man of the cloth would ask them to be with him during his final moments.  But they were also puzzled; the priest had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.  As a matter of fact, they both remembered his many unsavory and uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious conduct that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the accountant said, “Padre, bakit po ninyo kami pinatawag?”

The dying priest mustered up his strength and then said with a weak voice, “Gusto ko kasi mangyari ang katulad sa Panginoon—namatay sa gitna ng dalawang magnanakaw.”

*****

As Lito was approaching mid-60s, physically he was a mess.  Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly.  The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, she merely laughed at him.  That does it, he decided.  He started a whole new regimen.  He attended aerobics classes, worked on weights and changed his diet.  To top it all, he got an expensive hair transplant.  In six months, he was a different man.  As proof, he asked his female co-worker for a date, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever was.  He stood poised waiting for the arrival of his date, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet.  As he lay there almost consumed, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and asked, “Bakit po Panginoon?  Sa dami ng pinagdanasan kong hirap para ayusin itsura ko, ganito pa nangyari sa akin?”

From above, there came a holy and reluctant voice, “Naku pasensiya na, hindi kita nakilala kasi.”

*****

A man walking on the beach of Davao City was deep in prayer.  Then God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him.

The man said he wanted a bridge to Singapore so he could drive there.  God said his materialistic wish was too difficult and it takes too many natural resources and a lot of political compromises to undertake and that he should think of another wish.

The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants and why she gives him the silent treatment and says nothing is wrong.

The Lord thought, then replied, “Ilang lanes ang gusto mo sa tulay, dalawahan o apatan?”

*****

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About vjtesoro

A perpetual student of Corrections

Posted on February 13, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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