Retired prison officer Lito Pragides dreamt that he was bragging to an angel about his exceptional pet monkey in Iwahig. Indeed, almost every month, the small ape had a number of skills to boast. First, it learned to eat using spoon and fork. Then, it would retire early, lay on bed and sleep using its own customized blanket and pillows. Thereafter, it would fix its own mosquito net and dutifully would rise at the sound of the alarm clock.
Truly, Lito was very happy at the hype generated by the intelligent simian. The excitement doubled when it learned to read and write!
Then, the pet owner paused and became incosolable to report to the angel that he eventually shot his pet.
Surprised, the angel almost shouted, “Teka!! Bakit naman??!!”
“Isipin po ninyo,” said Lito, “sa kanyang lamesa nakita ko ang kanyang sinusulat?!
“Dapat nga matuwa ka! “ The angel summoned.
Lito stood up and said, “siya pala ang nagpapadala ng mga anonymous letter sa director!”
A number of high profile prisoners eventually arrived in heaven and were instantly the toast among the denizens. They came also in tangerine uniform as if they agreed on the type of clothing to wear.
St. Peter strove slowly, smiling as he saw the group. He raised both his hands in a generous wave and said, “Aba, hehehe, mabuti naman at andito na kayo. Binabantayan namin kayo nuong nasa loob pa kayo ng bilanguan.”
The group chorused, “Maraming salamat naman po.”
“Totoo ba yung naririnig namin dito na kayo daw ay VIP?” inquired the Saint.
The group protested, “ Hindi po. BPI ho yun, yung ATM po!”
PG Romy Chavez was bored in heaven and requested to visit Hell to check on some friends. He was promptly escorted in, and as soon as he was ushered in, he was immediately engulfed with flames up to his neck. All his colleagues were also in a similar situation hence he never made any complaint at all until he met another officer he considered very corrupt breezing through.
“Teka!” Romy sensed something unfair and directed his concern to supervising demons in the area, “bakit yung inspector na yun hanggang bewang lang ang apoy samantalang napaka-walang hiya niyan sa serbisyo?!”
“Huwag ka nang pumalag,” the demon said, “nakatungtong naman yan sa balikat ni Assistant Director!”
Purgatory is a place where souls are evaluated whether they will go to Heaven or slide down to Hell. Here we find a number of prison directors. Several generals are seriously seated waiting for the interview. They have been there, one after another. They were asked if they are worthy to be escorted to the Pearly Gates for admission to Heaven.
Several of them have big boxes, others thick brown envelopes except for one with a piece of paper.
The Purgatory manager without inspecting what the prison directors were carrying, motioned to the one with a piece of paper to proceed to meet St. Peter.
“Boss!” the senior general whispered, “puro pera dala namin pang PR sa tropa ninyo, eh bakit yung may dalang isang pirasong papel ang nabigyan ng pabor?”
The manager whispered back, “Kontrata naman yun!”
Heaven was a very peaceful place until the silence was broken by two contending visitors who were merely invited to have a tour of Paradise. Jun Geronimo and Marlon Morales were quarelling when a winged religious worker stepped in to negotiate a truce between the two gentlemen.
“Ano ba ang pinag-aawayan ninyong dalawa?” the angelic fellow inquired in a mellow way.
The two perspiring fellows almost spoke in unison, “Bucorea po.”
The saintly fellow does not want to look ignorant if he would ask what Bucorea is and so he motioned another serene looking former prison officer, his assistant, to whisper to him what it is.
The prison officer said, “Ang pinag-aawayan po nila ay pera.”
The religious guy left hurriedly and instead instructed his assistant,”Sabihin mo na lang sa akin kung sino nanalo sa kanila para makahingi tayo ng balato!”
Sosing Berroya retired recently from the prison service and while awaiting for his retirement pension, which unfortunately takes several months to process by GSIS, would rather frequent the church. He would trek to the chapel everyday and would seek heavenly intercession.
One day, he went to Church early, knelt down in his favorite pew, across the altar and profusely prayed for luck. He intoned, a bit loudly, in desperation, “Panginoon ko, sana manalo ako sa jueteng kahit isang beses lang po.” It was a prayer he would oftentimes plead but did not expect any instant response. Yet on that day, something happened. He heard a booming voice.
“Kaibigan, ikaw ay mananalo ngayon!”
Sosing asked for the combination and it was given! He noticed however to his surprise an old man at his back who immediately said, in the same commanding voice “Sir, tayaan nyo na yun, mamya bolahan na namin!”
A prison guard assigned at the Director’s Quarters (DQ) before he retired wrote a description of DQ and some Directors he has served. But he merely made a code, an alphabetical code, for each prison leader. Accordingly, Director A would claim that DQ is a haunted house and exposed it to the elements. Director B however would defy such impression and would transform DQ into a barangay, where all his relatives stayed. Director C would make it a vacation house for his staffers and prisoners. One day, the DQ’s pool is a fish pond, another occasion it is an exlusive resort. Sometimes DQ was a mini-zoo, at times it is a barracks for illegal transactions. Another Director would use its wood panel to construct his private residence. But the most enterprising of all is Director E, who, after his term, would take out all the kitchen utensils, plates and even the door screen of DQ!
Prison history therefore is written in an amusing way by its administrators through their acts, it almost renders the prison service into a joke.