Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
It has been six decades since I have graced the landscape of humanity and all that time, I have made mistakes, blunders even, a number of gaffes, some unintentional but others largely and admittedly intentional. Not that I wish to challenge fate for I felt blest every time in every way. I could have been felled and deformed for life, if not easily extinguished for doing the wrong things although committed at the right time, and perhaps, doing right at the wrong time. For every sin or excess that I have done, I deserved some kind of a penalty but it would never come my way. I felt the gods protected me. I even suspected that I was some kind of a demi god!
No, I never believed that I had the charm; it was just that I look unimpressive to merit a significant second look. Simplicity or ordinariness marks my projection. It kept me from harm’s way.
No one would even suspect that I am capable of mayhem although my profession as a prison officer demands cruelty to a certain extent. I must live and think in a criminal way to understand the psychology of an offender.
But never for once I have abused and corrupted people. I may have manipulated them, utilized their strength and exploited their time, but never had I stolen anything valuable from them. Suffice it to say that I merely exercised the power of mind in defeating people in the game of one-upmanship. This was because in my estimation, I was a warrior in the real sense of the word.
An effective warrior is always tested on the battleground and not necessarily in the brooding and safe compound of the training school. St. Paul, was Saul the butcher of men, before he was converted by Faith. Constantine was a pagan leader before he was conscripted to Christianity. St. Augustine was a bum before he was persuaded to be a monastic.
Well, unlike my icons, I never became worst in my milieu and never transformed into a saintly being later; but I was not the ordinary do-gooder either. I lust and was covetous, gravely jealous and grossly envious. I led a cavalier life while abandoning my loved ones in favor of adventure. Although I did not desert my kinfolk, I went around fulfilling my career as if I have no family at all.
I was a coward once but renewed myself and even went beyond. I was ignored and snubbed but I struggled to keep my patience. When I realized that subservience was more gruesome, I eventually would exude courage, which gave me a name similar to vengeance. From there on, I would tread life as if challenged and threatened. In all my travels, I would be accompanied by stealth and treachery, betrayal and deceit. They surrounded me constantly but kept me at bay not to be one with them. And I would defeat them individually, cheat them if I may, and win like a rogue. Fraud, even if it is a sin, had its usefulness too.
I never harbored any thought of having a piece of supernatural strength. I do not even believe I have a lucky wishbone unlike chickens. I could easily catch cold. And my threshold for pain is ridiculously very low. While I was nimble during my juvenile years, it never gave me the inspiration to be a sportsman. My build and stature were never athletic at all.
I struggled hard to be within your embrace, morally and spiritually. Not that I was weak and given towards abomination and irregularities, but you see, life was never founded on ideal. One must commit something outside of the norm if only to survive. One must even lie to get at the bottom of the truth. One must know how to kill if only to preserve life. Controversy was everywhere and there was no corner where one can find peace unless one must create it. In medicine, venom is the same element in a concoction used in treating one bitten by a snake. One must resort to violence to achieve peace.
I have lived in a state of sin for years on end and never bogged down in sorrow. I carried the full weight of all my indiscretions. I accepted the pain and misery as consequence and it was never a breeze. While it made my life a storied one, full of fledging moments and despicable instances, it never pulled me down. On the contrary, it sharpened my resolved further. It strengthened me more; it made me saintly on one hand, and evil incarnate on the other hand.
I have loved and made commitments around so many times. I never stayed the course of loving in a conservative way. I was a romantic in the ancient sense. For each heart that I would win, my heart rejoices to the fullest. And never had I lamented expressing my adoration. There was no lust, no yearning for each heart that I would capture. There was only respect and adulation. I have conquered hearts more than territories accumulated by Alexander the Great during his prime. And there was no remorse to it.
I tried hard to be your obedient son, docile and compliant to my parents, tractable to my sister, submissive to my neighbors and deferential to all my friends. However, there are times when I must be bad especially when my family is threatened. They may not be aware of it but I am never afraid to go to Hell if that is the only way I can exchange my fate for them to live in paradise.
I seldom prayed. As a matter of fact, I never prayed at all. I merely wished my loved ones the best of everything short of subscribing the worst for me if there is a requisite of a trade off somewhere.
But I must have a clean breast, which this confession seeks to conclude.
I have sinned and never regretted it. I have erred so many times and for that I am terribly repentant.