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ELECTION JOKES FROM ETERNITY

hell

One day,  St. Peter felt that he must visit the earth.  He found himself milling around Metro Manila in the Philippines.  It was a period full of merry making, a lot of buntings hang over electric posts along with banners of politicians running for elective posts.

St. Peter asked a pedestrian, “Brod, mawalang galang na lang, ano ibig sabihin ng UNA at LP?”

The pedestrian, a middle aged man, replied, “Pareho din po ng KBL, UNIDO, Lakas, NP at PDP.”

St. Peter was confused.  He  went around some more  until he found a student to inquire what UNA and LP stand for.  The youth said, “Pareho din po yan ng OXO, BNG, BRM at Sigue-Sigue Sputnik.”

St. Peter went back to heaven politically educated.

****

Newly promoted Cardinal Tagle was replesdent in his episcopal vestment with flowing red cape when he joined a number of politicians in one of Manila’s five star hotels.  They were all having an informal exchanges of pleasantries, over a delightful melodious sound and some humble snack when Mayoralty candidate Joseph Estrada came in.

The popular candidate was a bit tipsy when he saw the smiling vicar in a colorful evangelical uniform.  He managed to get near the man of the cloth, slowly lifted the majestic hand of the religious leader and whispered sweetly, “Puede ba kitang isayaw?”

*****

Bored in heaven, President Cory Aquino decided to visit the Philippines.  She was a picture of contentment.  She found the country peaceful and stable under the leadership of her son.

She opted to appear in her son’s dream one day and greeted, “Anak, ingat ka sa mga nakapaligid sa iyo.”

Pnoy smiled and uttered a response, while deep in slumber, excited to hear and react to her mother, “Opo Mommy, hindi na muna kami lalabas nila Boy Abunda at Vice Ganda~”

******

Satan learned that St. Peter visited the Philippines and so he took a leave and informed his constituents in Hell that he intends take a look at the said country.  When he arrived, he was very excited to be introduced to a lot of politicians, to be invited also in their meetings and conferences that he almost felt at home.

Several days and weeks passed by, the devils in Hell were all at a loss on why their boss had not returned yet.  Hell was beginning to be less turbulent without the leader and so a group of devils were dispatched to look for Satan.  They searched for him far and wide, from North to South, until they found a tip from a traditional politician who was his contant companion.

“Ay, oo lagi siyang nakatambay dito sa HQ,” said the tradpol, “kaya lang nasa Malaysia na siya.”

The reps from Hell were surprised and inquired,”Bakit sir kaya nandun?”

The old fellow quipped, “Na recruit kasi siya ni Amalilio!”

*****

Satan knew that whenever election fever in the Philippines starts, it is almost like his favorite town in Hell.  And so he would always see to it to visit the archipelago during said occasion as some kind of sentimental journey.  As he attends every miting de abanse, and hears every speaker, he is reminded of himself in his youthful days.

He was so engrossed in listening to the politicians until he snapped and decided to get back to Hell.  His lieutenants were all surprised when they saw Satan pale and haggard.

“Sir, ano po ang nangyari at biglaan kayong bumalik?” said the gatekeepers of Hell.

“Hayyy, salamat, isara ninyo pinto sa opisina ko kagad,”  Satan yelled, “huwag ninyong papasukin mga politikong taga Pilipinas!  Baka bigla akong palitan!”

*****

While Satan was inspecting Hell, he was aghast to see a lot of posters and banners from politicians  in the  Philippines posted everywhere.  Those souls from other countries were complaining of the filth debasing the original filth.  Even the flames could not reach every corner because the large tarpaulin posters obstructs the garbage like view.  Satan organized an investigation body and a report was immediately handed over.  It was a five-inch thick document.

“Ano ang dulo ng report na ito!” Satan boomed.

The investigators exclaimed “Eh, Sir akala kasi ng mga kandidato, nasa Pilipinas pa rin sila!”

*****

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HEAVENLY SMILE

pope

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said, “Gusto ko po sana bumalik ng ganun pa rin ang katauhan ko pero 100 beses na masmagaling.”  So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said, “Gusto ko po mas mahusay pa ako sa nauna sa akin, gawin po ninyo ako na 1,000 beses na mas magaling.”  So God made him 1,000 smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best.  So he said, “Panginoon ko, gawin mo ako mas mahusay sa naunang dalawang kasama ko, gawin mo akong sampung libong beses na mas mahusay.”

So God made him a woman!

*****

An artist and a lawyer were in a car accident and showed up at the Pearly Gates together.  St. Peter greeted them and took them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity.  They got into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and headed down a gold road, turned to a platinim street which turned onto an even grander road paved with diamoneds to a huge mansion where St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Heto ang bahay mo sa buong panahon.  Maging masaya ka.  At kung meron kang kailangan, sabihin mo lang.”

Then St. Peter took the artist to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the street of gold through an avenue of silver, along a stone alley to an unpaved path to a small cottage.  St. Peter said, “Dito ka naman,” then left.

“Teka po muna!,” wailed the artist.  “Bakit po ang abogado sa mansion nakatira samantalang ako sa isang kubo lang?”

St. Peter said, “Alam mo, madami nang artists dito, pero ngayon lang nagkaroon ng abogado.”

*****

A saintly nun died and went to Heaven.  God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.

Gusto mo na bang kumain Mother Teresa?” said God.

“Opo, Panginoon,” Mother Teresa replied.  So God opened a can of tuna and reaches for a piece of salted bread and they shared it.

While eating a humble meal, the saintly lady looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, chunks of cheeze, pastries and wines.  Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.

The next day God again invited her to join Him for a meal.  Again,  it was tuna and bread.  Once again, the pious woman could see the denizens of Hell enjoying crispy pata, kare-kare, lechon and boxes of chocolates.

Still she said nothing.  The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.  She could no longer contain herself any more.

Meekly, she said, “Panginoon ko po, ako ay nagpapasalamat sa kalagayan ko dito sa Paraiso katumbas ng masunuring buhay na ginampanan ko.  Pero dito sa Langit ang nakakain ko lang ay delata at pandesal samantalang sa ibang lugar parang pyesta.”

The good Lord explained, “Alam mo Mother Teresa, dalawa lang naman tayong kumakain dito, maghahanap ka pa ng tagaluto!”

*****

Three friends die in a car accident, they go to Heaven for an orientation.  They are all asked, “Habang kayo ay pinag-lalamayan ng inyong pamilya at mga kaibigan, ano ang gusto ninyong marinig na sinasabi sa inyo?”

The first guy says, “Ang gusto kong marinig sa kanila ay ako ang pinaka-mahusay na manggagamot sa aming lugar  at ako ay isang mabuting ama at haligi ng pamilya.”

The second guy says, “Ako naman ay gusto kong marinig na ako ay isang mabuting asawa at mahusay na guro na nagturo ng magagandang leksyon sa mga kabataan upang maayos ang kanilang kinabukasan.”

The last guy replies, “Ako naman ang gusto kong marinig sa mga naglalamay ay, TINGNAN NINYO GUMAGALAW PA!!!”

******

AMUSING TALES FROM HEAVEN

heaven

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “Kamukha mo si Einstein pero sa dami ng taong dumadaan dito kelangan ko patunay kung ikaw nga si Albert Einstein.”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, “Puede po gumamit ng blackboard at chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.  Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematematics and symbols the theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed, “Ikaw nga si Einstein!  Tuloy ka sa Kalangitan!

The next to arrive is Picasso.  Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.  Picasso asks, “Puede po gamitin ang blackboard at chalk?”  Saint Peter nods.

Picasso  erases Eintein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps, “Ikaw nga talaga ang pinaka mahusay na pintor sa buong mundo!  Tuloy ka sa Kalangitan!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees Joseph Estrada.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Si Einstein at Picasso ay nagpakita ng kakayanan para mapatunayan ang kanilang pagkatao.  Paano mo naman papatunayan ang sarili mo sa akin?”

The former President looks bewildered and says, “Sino si Einstein at Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Tuloy ka na nga sa loob, Erap.”

*****

 

Two farmers died and went to Heaven.

St. Peter greeted them and said, “Sorry mga Ginoo, ang mga mala-palasyong bahay ninyo dito sa Langit ay ginagawa pa.  Kaya babalik muna kayo sa inyong probinsiya sa gusto ninyong kaanyuhan.”

“Ang galing naman!” said the first guy.  “Gusto ko maging agila para makita ko ang kabuuan ng Mount Apo!”

“Okay,” replied St. Peter and POOF! The guy has gone back to earth.

“Eh ikaw naman, ano ang gusto mo?” St. Peter asked the other guy.

“Gusto ko maging matikas na Tamaraw” was the reply.

“Madali yan,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy went back to earth also.

A FTER A FEW MONTHS, their mansions in Heaven were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.

“Madali ninyo silang makikita,” he says and gives instructions, “Yung isa ay palipad-lipad sa taas ng Mount Apo at yung isa naman ay naging pulutan sa isang carinderia sa Mindoro!”

*****

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer found themselves together at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer a question.  Depending one how they conducted themselves, the question whether easy or hard are determined accordingly.

St. Peter addressed the teacher, “Ano ang pangalan ng barko na bumangga sa isang bulto ng yelo? Naipelikula pa nga ito.”

The teacher answered quickly, “Titanic po!”  St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring Heaven didn’t really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder, “Ilan ang tao sa loob ng barkong  Titanic?”  Fortunately, for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.

He answered, “1,228  po silang lahat.”   St Peter acknowledged and ordered, “Tama, sige puede ka ng pumasok.”

St. Peter turned to the lawyer and asked, “Ano-ano ang mga pangalan nila?”

*****

THIS MADE ME SMILE SOME MORE

smile again

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter explains that it’s not easy to get into heaven.

“Pero nahirapan ako kung ikaw ay karapat dapat dito sa Kalangitan, kasi hindi ka nagsisimba.  Hindi ka rin nagbibigay sa mga mahihirap.  Wala ka rin tulong na binibigay sa iyong kapitbahay. ” says St. Peter.

St. Peter was becoming concerned.  Exasperated, the Saint says, “Tingnan mo, lahat dito ay may nagawang kabutihan.  Mag isip ka din.”

The man thinks for a minute, then says, “Alam po ninyo, may natulungan pala akong matandang babae kanina lang.  Palabas po ako sa tindahan nang isang dosenang malalaking katawan at armadong kalalakihan ang umagaw sa pitaka ng matanda at pinag-tutulakan pa ito.  Binaba ko yung gamit ko, hinablot ko yung pitaka sa mga barumbandong tao at pinagsabihan na sila ay mga duwag.  Tapos dinuraan ko pa mga mukha nila.”

“Okey ah!”  said St. Peter, “Nakakabilib! Tapos anong nangyari?”

“Heto po, napunta na ako dito,” replied the man.

*****

“Tatay,” a little girl asked her father, “lahat po ba ng mga kwentong bugtong nasisimula sa “Nung unang panahon…”?”

“Hindi anak,”  he answered.  “Kalimitan nagsisimula sa “Kung ako ay mahalal..”

*****

A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon.  He could choose either the Architect’s brain which would cost him P 5,000.00 or the Politician’s which was P500,000.00.

“Ibig ninyong sabihin Doc ang utak ng pulitiko ay mas mahusay kaysa sa utak ng arkitekto!”  exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

“Hindi naman sa ganun” replied the surgeon, “ ang utak ng pulitiko kasi hindi nagagamit.”

*****

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.  As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Huminto ka—Acts 2:38!”  That means “turn from your sin.”

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.  The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Teka bakit ka bigla natulala?  Ang ginawa lang nung matanda ay banggitin ang talata sa banal na kasulatan!”

“Talata?!!”  replied the burglar, “ang sabi niya meron daw siyang axe at dalawang 38s!”

*****

God looks over the millions of people and says, ‘TULOY KAYO SA KALANGITAN!  ANG MGA BABAE AY SUMAMA KAY SAN PEDRO AT ANG MGA LALAKI NAMAN AY GUMAWA NG DALAWANG LINYA.  YUNG ISANG LINYA AY PARA SA MGA LALAKI NA NAG DOMINA SA BABAE, AT YUNG ISANG LINYA NAMAN AY YUNG NADOMINA NG BABAE.”

There’s much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines.  The line of the men that were dominated is 200 kilometers long.  The line of men that dominated women has only one man.

God gets angry and says, “MAHIYA NGA KAYO SA INYONG MGA SARILI.  KAYO AY GINAWA KO AYON SA AKING IMAHE TAPOS NADOMINA PA KAYO NG INYONG ASAWA.  ISA LANG SA AKING MGA ANAK ANG PUEDE KONG IPAGMALAKI!  PAKINGGAN NINYO SIYA!”

He turns to the man and says, “ANAK, IBAHAGI MO NGA SA KANILA KUNG PAANO MO GINAWA AT IKAW AY MAG-ISA LANG DIYAN SA LINYA?”

The man says, “Hindi ko po alam Panginoon, sinunod ko lang sabi asawa ko na dito ako sa linyang ito pumila.”

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