A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it’s not easy to get into heaven.
“Pero nahirapan ako kung ikaw ay karapat dapat dito sa Kalangitan, kasi hindi ka nagsisimba. Hindi ka rin nagbibigay sa mga mahihirap. Wala ka rin tulong na binibigay sa iyong kapitbahay. ” says St. Peter.
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, the Saint says, “Tingnan mo, lahat dito ay may nagawang kabutihan. Mag isip ka din.”
The man thinks for a minute, then says, “Alam po ninyo, may natulungan pala akong matandang babae kanina lang. Palabas po ako sa tindahan nang isang dosenang malalaking katawan at armadong kalalakihan ang umagaw sa pitaka ng matanda at pinag-tutulakan pa ito. Binaba ko yung gamit ko, hinablot ko yung pitaka sa mga barumbandong tao at pinagsabihan na sila ay mga duwag. Tapos dinuraan ko pa mga mukha nila.”
“Okey ah!” said St. Peter, “Nakakabilib! Tapos anong nangyari?”
“Heto po, napunta na ako dito,” replied the man.
“Tatay,” a little girl asked her father, “lahat po ba ng mga kwentong bugtong nasisimula sa “Nung unang panahon…”?”
“Hindi anak,” he answered. “Kalimitan nagsisimula sa “Kung ako ay mahalal..”
A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect’s brain which would cost him P 5,000.00 or the Politician’s which was P500,000.00.
“Ibig ninyong sabihin Doc ang utak ng pulitiko ay mas mahusay kaysa sa utak ng arkitekto!” exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
“Hindi naman sa ganun” replied the surgeon, “ ang utak ng pulitiko kasi hindi nagagamit.”
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Huminto ka—Acts 2:38!” That means “turn from your sin.”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Teka bakit ka bigla natulala? Ang ginawa lang nung matanda ay banggitin ang talata sa banal na kasulatan!”
“Talata?!!” replied the burglar, “ang sabi niya meron daw siyang axe at dalawang 38s!”
God looks over the millions of people and says, ‘TULOY KAYO SA KALANGITAN! ANG MGA BABAE AY SUMAMA KAY SAN PEDRO AT ANG MGA LALAKI NAMAN AY GUMAWA NG DALAWANG LINYA. YUNG ISANG LINYA AY PARA SA MGA LALAKI NA NAG DOMINA SA BABAE, AT YUNG ISANG LINYA NAMAN AY YUNG NADOMINA NG BABAE.”
There’s much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated is 200 kilometers long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
God gets angry and says, “MAHIYA NGA KAYO SA INYONG MGA SARILI. KAYO AY GINAWA KO AYON SA AKING IMAHE TAPOS NADOMINA PA KAYO NG INYONG ASAWA. ISA LANG SA AKING MGA ANAK ANG PUEDE KONG IPAGMALAKI! PAKINGGAN NINYO SIYA!”
He turns to the man and says, “ANAK, IBAHAGI MO NGA SA KANILA KUNG PAANO MO GINAWA AT IKAW AY MAG-ISA LANG DIYAN SA LINYA?”
The man says, “Hindi ko po alam Panginoon, sinunod ko lang sabi asawa ko na dito ako sa linyang ito pumila.”
There was this case in the hospital’s Intensive Care ward, a newly installed unit in the prison facility, where patients always died in the same bed, every Sunday morning at 11 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the prison doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with a cursed bed or something supernatural.
So the doctors decided to observe the blighted room. They proceeded to take note the next Sunday morning, positioned themselves across the area, a few minutes before 11am and nervously waited to see a terrible phenomenon. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.
And then, there it was, as the clock struck 11, a prison orderly entered the ward, unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Fr. Sim Roxas, formerly a prison chaplain, was asked by a bereaved family to officiate the necrological services of their loved one at the local cemetery. While the vessel was being lowered into the ground, a municipal officer approached the priest and asked, “Meron po bang death certificate yan nililibing ninyo?”
Fr. Roxas was surprised because he was merely asked to bless the occasion but as he was looking around for the relatives, he inquired, “Bakit po sir, kelangan ba talaga iyon?”
To which the officer exclaimed, “Natural Father, eh paano kung buhay pa iyan!”
Ted Miraflor was a partisan follower of a former local elective official. He has proven himself worthy of loyalty. He was designated as one of the close in staff at the office of the Mayor.
But there was a change in local executive post. A new Mayor was at the helm.
One day, Ted received a notice of separation from the service. Shocked, he went to see the Mayor to inquire. “Sir Mayor, bakit po ninyo ako tinanggal sa trabaho?”
The Mayor was groping for a reason, glancing at his secretary to provide the answer, “Oo nga, hindi ko yata alam iyan…”
Ted asserted, “ Nagtataka nga ako Mayor kasi wala naman akong ginagawa…”
“Ayun!” the Mayor blurted, “alam ko na kung bakit ka natanggal, wala kang ginagawa!”
Prison Assistant Director Reinerio Albano was dragging his boots and his eyebrows almost one. He was on his way for a security assessment when I met him. “Sir,” I inquired, “bakit mukhang mainit ang ulo ninyo?”
Eh, paano ba naman ako hindi magagalit, ang salita ninyo dito puro pabaliktad,” the prison official claimed. “Isipin mo, sasabihin lang may tama, gagawin pang may amat. Ang preso, tawag osrep. Ang pera, rapits. Parang walang pinag-aralan!” he added.
I asked, “Eh saan po naman kayo papunta sana?”
He quipped, “Sa ob-lo, mag iinspeksyon.”
There was a facility for mentally deranged in the minimum security camp when a visitor who was about to leave found himself stranded. He went out to have his tires vulcanized but when he came back, all four bolts were nowhere.
A shabbily dressed inmate came to his rescue. Anong nangyari sa iyo?” he asked.
The man dismissed the weird looking and unkept inmate, “Hindi kita kelangan, sige na lumakad ka na?”
The inmate insisted, “Eh, baka meron naman akong magagawang tulong sa iyo.”
The man straightened up and stood to face the inmate, “O sige nga. Nawawala ang apat na bolt sa gulong ko kaya hindi ako maka-alis, baka gusto mo akong tulungan maghanap.”
“Ganito na lang brod,” the inmate said, “kumuha ka ng tig-isang bolt sa mga gulong mo at ilagay mo yun para makalakad ka na kagad.”
Surprised at the common sense, “Pare,ang galing mo. Dapat lumaya ka na, wala ka namang diperensiya na ah!”
The inmate explained, “Sira pa rin ulo ko pero hindi naman ako tanga!”
A young prisoner is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news.
The inmate asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, “Wala ng ibang paraan kundi operahan ka at tanggalin ang dalawang paa mo.”
Then the patient asks for the good news.
The nurse says, “Yang katabi mo gustong bilhin ang bagong rubber shoes mo.”