One day, St. Peter felt that he must visit the earth. He found himself milling around Metro Manila in the Philippines. It was a period full of merry making, a lot of buntings hang over electric posts along with banners of politicians running for elective posts.
St. Peter asked a pedestrian, “Brod, mawalang galang na lang, ano ibig sabihin ng UNA at LP?”
The pedestrian, a middle aged man, replied, “Pareho din po ng KBL, UNIDO, Lakas, NP at PDP.”
St. Peter was confused. He went around some more until he found a student to inquire what UNA and LP stand for. The youth said, “Pareho din po yan ng OXO, BNG, BRM at Sigue-Sigue Sputnik.”
St. Peter went back to heaven politically educated.
Newly promoted Cardinal Tagle was replesdent in his episcopal vestment with flowing red cape when he joined a number of politicians in one of Manila’s five star hotels. They were all having an informal exchanges of pleasantries, over a delightful melodious sound and some humble snack when Mayoralty candidate Joseph Estrada came in.
The popular candidate was a bit tipsy when he saw the smiling vicar in a colorful evangelical uniform. He managed to get near the man of the cloth, slowly lifted the majestic hand of the religious leader and whispered sweetly, “Puede ba kitang isayaw?”
Bored in heaven, President Cory Aquino decided to visit the Philippines. She was a picture of contentment. She found the country peaceful and stable under the leadership of her son.
She opted to appear in her son’s dream one day and greeted, “Anak, ingat ka sa mga nakapaligid sa iyo.”
Pnoy smiled and uttered a response, while deep in slumber, excited to hear and react to her mother, “Opo Mommy, hindi na muna kami lalabas nila Boy Abunda at Vice Ganda~”
Satan learned that St. Peter visited the Philippines and so he took a leave and informed his constituents in Hell that he intends take a look at the said country. When he arrived, he was very excited to be introduced to a lot of politicians, to be invited also in their meetings and conferences that he almost felt at home.
Several days and weeks passed by, the devils in Hell were all at a loss on why their boss had not returned yet. Hell was beginning to be less turbulent without the leader and so a group of devils were dispatched to look for Satan. They searched for him far and wide, from North to South, until they found a tip from a traditional politician who was his contant companion.
“Ay, oo lagi siyang nakatambay dito sa HQ,” said the tradpol, “kaya lang nasa Malaysia na siya.”
The reps from Hell were surprised and inquired,”Bakit sir kaya nandun?”
The old fellow quipped, “Na recruit kasi siya ni Amalilio!”
Satan knew that whenever election fever in the Philippines starts, it is almost like his favorite town in Hell. And so he would always see to it to visit the archipelago during said occasion as some kind of sentimental journey. As he attends every miting de abanse, and hears every speaker, he is reminded of himself in his youthful days.
He was so engrossed in listening to the politicians until he snapped and decided to get back to Hell. His lieutenants were all surprised when they saw Satan pale and haggard.
“Sir, ano po ang nangyari at biglaan kayong bumalik?” said the gatekeepers of Hell.
“Hayyy, salamat, isara ninyo pinto sa opisina ko kagad,” Satan yelled, “huwag ninyong papasukin mga politikong taga Pilipinas! Baka bigla akong palitan!”
While Satan was inspecting Hell, he was aghast to see a lot of posters and banners from politicians in the Philippines posted everywhere. Those souls from other countries were complaining of the filth debasing the original filth. Even the flames could not reach every corner because the large tarpaulin posters obstructs the garbage like view. Satan organized an investigation body and a report was immediately handed over. It was a five-inch thick document.
“Ano ang dulo ng report na ito!” Satan boomed.
The investigators exclaimed “Eh, Sir akala kasi ng mga kandidato, nasa Pilipinas pa rin sila!”
There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said, “Gusto ko po sana bumalik ng ganun pa rin ang katauhan ko pero 100 beses na masmagaling.” So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, “Gusto ko po mas mahusay pa ako sa nauna sa akin, gawin po ninyo ako na 1,000 beses na mas magaling.” So God made him 1,000 smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, “Panginoon ko, gawin mo ako mas mahusay sa naunang dalawang kasama ko, gawin mo akong sampung libong beses na mas mahusay.”
So God made him a woman!
An artist and a lawyer were in a car accident and showed up at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter greeted them and took them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They got into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and headed down a gold road, turned to a platinim street which turned onto an even grander road paved with diamoneds to a huge mansion where St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Heto ang bahay mo sa buong panahon. Maging masaya ka. At kung meron kang kailangan, sabihin mo lang.”
Then St. Peter took the artist to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the street of gold through an avenue of silver, along a stone alley to an unpaved path to a small cottage. St. Peter said, “Dito ka naman,” then left.
“Teka po muna!,” wailed the artist. “Bakit po ang abogado sa mansion nakatira samantalang ako sa isang kubo lang?”
St. Peter said, “Alam mo, madami nang artists dito, pero ngayon lang nagkaroon ng abogado.”
A saintly nun died and went to Heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
“Gusto mo na bang kumain Mother Teresa?” said God.
“Opo, Panginoon,” Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reaches for a piece of salted bread and they shared it.
While eating a humble meal, the saintly lady looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, chunks of cheeze, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join Him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and bread. Once again, the pious woman could see the denizens of Hell enjoying crispy pata, kare-kare, lechon and boxes of chocolates.
Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She could no longer contain herself any more.
Meekly, she said, “Panginoon ko po, ako ay nagpapasalamat sa kalagayan ko dito sa Paraiso katumbas ng masunuring buhay na ginampanan ko. Pero dito sa Langit ang nakakain ko lang ay delata at pandesal samantalang sa ibang lugar parang pyesta.”
The good Lord explained, “Alam mo Mother Teresa, dalawa lang naman tayong kumakain dito, maghahanap ka pa ng tagaluto!”
Three friends die in a car accident, they go to Heaven for an orientation. They are all asked, “Habang kayo ay pinag-lalamayan ng inyong pamilya at mga kaibigan, ano ang gusto ninyong marinig na sinasabi sa inyo?”
The first guy says, “Ang gusto kong marinig sa kanila ay ako ang pinaka-mahusay na manggagamot sa aming lugar at ako ay isang mabuting ama at haligi ng pamilya.”
The second guy says, “Ako naman ay gusto kong marinig na ako ay isang mabuting asawa at mahusay na guro na nagturo ng magagandang leksyon sa mga kabataan upang maayos ang kanilang kinabukasan.”
The last guy replies, “Ako naman ang gusto kong marinig sa mga naglalamay ay, TINGNAN NINYO GUMAGALAW PA!!!”
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it’s not easy to get into heaven.
“Pero nahirapan ako kung ikaw ay karapat dapat dito sa Kalangitan, kasi hindi ka nagsisimba. Hindi ka rin nagbibigay sa mga mahihirap. Wala ka rin tulong na binibigay sa iyong kapitbahay. ” says St. Peter.
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, the Saint says, “Tingnan mo, lahat dito ay may nagawang kabutihan. Mag isip ka din.”
The man thinks for a minute, then says, “Alam po ninyo, may natulungan pala akong matandang babae kanina lang. Palabas po ako sa tindahan nang isang dosenang malalaking katawan at armadong kalalakihan ang umagaw sa pitaka ng matanda at pinag-tutulakan pa ito. Binaba ko yung gamit ko, hinablot ko yung pitaka sa mga barumbandong tao at pinagsabihan na sila ay mga duwag. Tapos dinuraan ko pa mga mukha nila.”
“Okey ah!” said St. Peter, “Nakakabilib! Tapos anong nangyari?”
“Heto po, napunta na ako dito,” replied the man.
“Tatay,” a little girl asked her father, “lahat po ba ng mga kwentong bugtong nasisimula sa “Nung unang panahon…”?”
“Hindi anak,” he answered. “Kalimitan nagsisimula sa “Kung ako ay mahalal..”
A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect’s brain which would cost him P 5,000.00 or the Politician’s which was P500,000.00.
“Ibig ninyong sabihin Doc ang utak ng pulitiko ay mas mahusay kaysa sa utak ng arkitekto!” exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
“Hindi naman sa ganun” replied the surgeon, “ ang utak ng pulitiko kasi hindi nagagamit.”
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Huminto ka—Acts 2:38!” That means “turn from your sin.”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Teka bakit ka bigla natulala? Ang ginawa lang nung matanda ay banggitin ang talata sa banal na kasulatan!”
“Talata?!!” replied the burglar, “ang sabi niya meron daw siyang axe at dalawang 38s!”
God looks over the millions of people and says, ‘TULOY KAYO SA KALANGITAN! ANG MGA BABAE AY SUMAMA KAY SAN PEDRO AT ANG MGA LALAKI NAMAN AY GUMAWA NG DALAWANG LINYA. YUNG ISANG LINYA AY PARA SA MGA LALAKI NA NAG DOMINA SA BABAE, AT YUNG ISANG LINYA NAMAN AY YUNG NADOMINA NG BABAE.”
There’s much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated is 200 kilometers long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
God gets angry and says, “MAHIYA NGA KAYO SA INYONG MGA SARILI. KAYO AY GINAWA KO AYON SA AKING IMAHE TAPOS NADOMINA PA KAYO NG INYONG ASAWA. ISA LANG SA AKING MGA ANAK ANG PUEDE KONG IPAGMALAKI! PAKINGGAN NINYO SIYA!”
He turns to the man and says, “ANAK, IBAHAGI MO NGA SA KANILA KUNG PAANO MO GINAWA AT IKAW AY MAG-ISA LANG DIYAN SA LINYA?”
The man says, “Hindi ko po alam Panginoon, sinunod ko lang sabi asawa ko na dito ako sa linyang ito pumila.”
There was this case in the hospital’s Intensive Care ward, a newly installed unit in the prison facility, where patients always died in the same bed, every Sunday morning at 11 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the prison doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with a cursed bed or something supernatural.
So the doctors decided to observe the blighted room. They proceeded to take note the next Sunday morning, positioned themselves across the area, a few minutes before 11am and nervously waited to see a terrible phenomenon. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.
And then, there it was, as the clock struck 11, a prison orderly entered the ward, unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Fr. Sim Roxas, formerly a prison chaplain, was asked by a bereaved family to officiate the necrological services of their loved one at the local cemetery. While the vessel was being lowered into the ground, a municipal officer approached the priest and asked, “Meron po bang death certificate yan nililibing ninyo?”
Fr. Roxas was surprised because he was merely asked to bless the occasion but as he was looking around for the relatives, he inquired, “Bakit po sir, kelangan ba talaga iyon?”
To which the officer exclaimed, “Natural Father, eh paano kung buhay pa iyan!”
Ted Miraflor was a partisan follower of a former local elective official. He has proven himself worthy of loyalty. He was designated as one of the close in staff at the office of the Mayor.
But there was a change in local executive post. A new Mayor was at the helm.
One day, Ted received a notice of separation from the service. Shocked, he went to see the Mayor to inquire. “Sir Mayor, bakit po ninyo ako tinanggal sa trabaho?”
The Mayor was groping for a reason, glancing at his secretary to provide the answer, “Oo nga, hindi ko yata alam iyan…”
Ted asserted, “ Nagtataka nga ako Mayor kasi wala naman akong ginagawa…”
“Ayun!” the Mayor blurted, “alam ko na kung bakit ka natanggal, wala kang ginagawa!”
Prison Assistant Director Reinerio Albano was dragging his boots and his eyebrows almost one. He was on his way for a security assessment when I met him. “Sir,” I inquired, “bakit mukhang mainit ang ulo ninyo?”
Eh, paano ba naman ako hindi magagalit, ang salita ninyo dito puro pabaliktad,” the prison official claimed. “Isipin mo, sasabihin lang may tama, gagawin pang may amat. Ang preso, tawag osrep. Ang pera, rapits. Parang walang pinag-aralan!” he added.
I asked, “Eh saan po naman kayo papunta sana?”
He quipped, “Sa ob-lo, mag iinspeksyon.”
There was a facility for mentally deranged in the minimum security camp when a visitor who was about to leave found himself stranded. He went out to have his tires vulcanized but when he came back, all four bolts were nowhere.
A shabbily dressed inmate came to his rescue. Anong nangyari sa iyo?” he asked.
The man dismissed the weird looking and unkept inmate, “Hindi kita kelangan, sige na lumakad ka na?”
The inmate insisted, “Eh, baka meron naman akong magagawang tulong sa iyo.”
The man straightened up and stood to face the inmate, “O sige nga. Nawawala ang apat na bolt sa gulong ko kaya hindi ako maka-alis, baka gusto mo akong tulungan maghanap.”
“Ganito na lang brod,” the inmate said, “kumuha ka ng tig-isang bolt sa mga gulong mo at ilagay mo yun para makalakad ka na kagad.”
Surprised at the common sense, “Pare,ang galing mo. Dapat lumaya ka na, wala ka namang diperensiya na ah!”
The inmate explained, “Sira pa rin ulo ko pero hindi naman ako tanga!”
A young prisoner is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news.
The inmate asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, “Wala ng ibang paraan kundi operahan ka at tanggalin ang dalawang paa mo.”
Then the patient asks for the good news.
The nurse says, “Yang katabi mo gustong bilhin ang bagong rubber shoes mo.”
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented, “Ang gaganda ng kuha! Siguro mamahalin ang iyong camera!”
He didn’t make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home, he said, “Ang sarap ng hinanda ninyong pagkain. Siguro mamahalin ang mga kaldero ninyo!”
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, “Ang gusto kong operahan ay mga electrician kasi kapag binuksan mo sila ang laman loob color coded.”
The second responds, “Sa tingin ko ang mga clerks and pinaka maayos operahan kasi lahat ng naso loob ng katawan nila nasa alphabetical order!”
The third surgeon shut them all up when he observed, “Lahat kayo mali. Ang pinakamadaling operahan ay ang mga pulitiko: wala silang laman-loob, walang puso, walang buto at ang ulo at pwet nila puedeng pag palitin!”
A Caloocan bandit made a specialty of crossing Makati from time to time and robbing banks. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture.
An enterprising police officer decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite karaoke bar, snuck up behind him, put his trusty gun to the bandit’s head and said, “Huli ka sa wakas! Inaaresto kita! Sabihin mo na kung saan mo itinago ang mga perang ninakaw mo o pasasabugin ko ulo mo!”
But the bandit didn’t speak Pilipino and the policeman could not speak in Bisayan dialect. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the area and translated the police’s message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Bisayan, that the loot was buried under the pot of decorative plant beside the door of the karaoke bar.
“Ano sabi niya?” asked the police.
The lawyer answered, “Sabi niya, ulol ka daw! At hindi mo naman daw siyang kayang barilin!”
A young woman was jogging when she saw a wizened old man, smiling at her from his bench.
“Mukhang masaya ho kayo!” She said to him. “Ano po ang sikreto na isang mahaba at kuntentong buhay na katulad ninyo?”
“Nakakatatlong kahang sigarilyo ako sa isang araw at nakaka apat na kahong lapad ako kada lingo. Bukod diyan wala akong exercise at puro taba pa kinakain ko!”
“Nakakagulat po naman,” the woman said. “Ano na po ba ang edad ninyo na?”
He answered, “trenta.”
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment—shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.—he placed the boy in the chair. “Magsigarilyo lang muna ako sa labas anak,” he said. “Balik din ako kaagad.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Mukhang nakalimutan ka na ng tatay mo, hehehe.”
“Hindi yun tatay ko!” said the boy. “Nilapitan lang ako diyan sa labas at hinawakan ang kamay ko at sinabi, na punta kami dito at ililibre ako sa gupit!”
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his entire body. The cast fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
He was still wearing the cast under his shirt when he was assigned to handle the toughest and unmanageable students in school. As he walked through into the rowdy and noisy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The whole class was already ogling and teasing their awkward looking teacher.
When a strong gust of wind made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day on!
A man named Gardo comes out of an exclusive subdivision on his bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, “Ano yang nasa sako?”
“Buhangin po,” answers Gardo, to which the guard replies, “Patingin nga..”
The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Gardo overnight and has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand. Finally, the guard releases Gardo, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders and lets him cross the boundary.
The next day, the same thing happens. Juan approaches on his bicycle with two bags of sand. The same procedure is conducted
The sequence is repeated every day for several months until one day as the guard is sitting in a nearby carinderia , Gardo walks in.
“Bata, halika nga.” Says the guard to Gardo. “Alam ko may pinupuslit ka eh, pero nakakasira ng ulo na. Yan ang ini-isip ko palagi. Hindi nga ako makatulog na. Pero heto atin-atin na lang, ano talaga yung pinupuslit mo?”
Gardo sips his drink and says, “bisikleta.”